When bad days just seems to get worst

I'm starting to think that NYC is playing one big trick on me. I've been feeling really down lately. To add insult to injury, someone on the train tried to use me as a verbal punching bag. Being an aspiring musician makes you look at everything as a potential song. You can have a bad day and write a full two pages of music that captures the daily events.

So I was sitting on the 4 train, when the lady next to me clutched her bag in terror.. I looked around to see if there were any one who loked suspicious. There wasn't. After about a minute, I realized that I was the culprit she was clutching her bag from. That's it!!!. I've had it!!!. I've had it with the stereotype already. Gawd dammit make it stop!!!. Before a tear came to my eyes, I turned in her direction
and said. "Excuse me ma'am, but are you clutching your bag because of me?" She spun her head around so quickly that I heard her neck crack. She then replied. "yes, you people change with the weather. I don't care how you "all" try to change your appearances. You are "all" the same to me".. WTF?

I knew that me trying to reassure this woman would just back fire. I can't argue with an elder. It's just not in my heart to. I'm sure she's seen quite a lot in her long years here. If I would have said what I wanted to, she would have probably pressed the button and had polices swarming all over the 59th street train station when the train came to a halt. What could I say to her to make her feel better about sitting next to me? All the seats were taken and I was stuck with this elderly woman clutching her bag out of sheer terror of "ME".

As I got up from my seat and walk to stand by the door, these ladies parted way to make and extra seat for me on the other side of the car. Apperantly, everyone was listening in on the conversation that just took place. As I sat next to these ladies, I put my head in my hands and started crying silently, away from the strangers who were looking at me.

I thought of my 15 year old nephew who holds so much promise, who looks up to me as a mentor. I don't think that the thought crossed my moms mind that I would be faced with this in 2004. It's hard to not think that my nephew would be faced with this also. A young black man trying to do what's right in the world, would be rediculed by others who fails to see the great in him. If I can lock us up both in a bubble, away from the racism, away from all the hurt that has plagued us through out the years. I would. So this is my prayer to GOD.

God?
Are you there?
It's me, Farrah again.
I hope that I'm not bothering you, but I need you tonight, more than any other night. I need your help god. I need for you to let people see that the hate they hold spills onto the innocents of the world. The clowds are blackened with hatred. I know that others have prayed to you with similar pleas and maybe mine is the millionth one tonight. This prayer is for my nephew, not me. Lord, please protect him. Please bless him with a long fruitful life. Please continue to steer him in the right path. Please reassure him that It's okay to be black in such a racist world. He shows promise lord. He's one of the most friendliest people you will ever meet. He has the most beautiful smile you'll ever see and even though he doesn't know his father, it hasn't dampered the hopes and promises in his eyes. Lord, if he comes face to face with pain, please divert it from him and cast it onto me. If he is faced with death, take my life instead. I love him more than anything or anyone in this world. Please lord, protect him from what plagues this earth.

Thank You lord.

Your child,
Farrah

Jenny & Olive Keene

http://www.jennykeene.com/ Please copy and paste web address in Browser

I don't know Jenny personally, but I wanted to put this out there for all to read.. She has the most adorable dog name Olive keene.. Olive was in a hit and run accident a couple of days ago. Now, Olive is faced with surgery and Jenny needs all the help she can get from any of us who can. If You have ever had a family member who was seriously injured, you would want to know that not only friends and family cares, but Strangers do aswell.

Sometimes we're faced with situations we can not deal with alone. We need others to help us through it. Olive & Jenny needs all the help they can get. So please help out.

"There are two things that makes our hearts soar. 1. Falling in love 2. Helping others.. especially when it's a perfect stranger"

My thoughts and prayers are with both Jenny and Olive.. WWW.JennyKeene.com

What!?! No Way!!!

So I'm sitting in the (2) train a couple days ago just minding my own business. Okay Okay I was picking my nose.. I know that I'm suppose to be lady like but come on.. Sometimes you just need to Pick the fuck out of it.. You know?

I'm in my own world as always. I'm not paying attention to my surroundings at all. When I got on the train it was empty.. I mean EMPTYYYY... No one but me. A car to myself.. So why not pick my nose.. I was digging for gold.. My eyes closed, the mp3 blaring in my ears.. It was heaven.

"Hey! How long have I been on the train"?

The questions were starting to flood my mind and I was having a conversation with myself.. Huh!!!

"Did anyone get on since I closed my eyes?"
"should I look to see?"
"No... don't look.. Maybe someone is looking at me rightnow"
"Okay, don't freak out. Just slowly remove the finger from the nose and slowly open your eyes".
"But what if someone is watching me? What the fuck should I do?"
"Just open your eyes and get it over with"..
"okay, I'm going to count to three.. 1.....2.....3.....open"

The car was almost filled with strangers.. All of them looking at me.. Well, should I be embarrassed? I looked at the scrolling marquee to see what stop was next.. Shit!!! I'm not even close to mine.. 125th street is next... That's a long way from my stop.. Fuck it!! I'm getting off this train.. I can't take the stares any more..

So I hopped off the train at 125th and got onto the (3) train.. This time I made sure to keep my eyes open.. I didn't resume picking my nose though.. It kind of freaked me out when I saw everyone staring at me.. Fucking freaks....

Past Relationships are so hard to do

I spoke to the ex.. What is it that makes you think that life for the other person just wouldn't be complete without you in it? As if they were alone before you popped into their lives. I've made the mistake a couple of times to try a second time around with a failed relationship, just to find out that this person was all wrong for me. Or I was wrong for him.. In our minds we feel that we are probably the best thing that has ever happened to the other person.. Subconteously, we know that we are not perfect and that they have or will soon in the future find the right person for them. The right person just isn't us..

Why do we try to show off our "newer selves" to the ex.. As if we are saying "Look, this is the new and improved me, do you want me back"? .... It's useless.. Honestly.

I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. No one will love you the way you specifically want them to.. You contour your life to fit others and in the end all you want them to see is the real you. At that point they don't know who the real you are and it just goes downhill.. The realistic part of me just wants to meet a guy and in the same day, start a relationship, skip right to the breakup and then go right into the uncomfortable-ness of being friends. A new relationship is like a plane ride. If you have a fear of heights then you know what I'm talking about.. You board the plane like you board a relationship.. You get on praying that it doesn't crash and burn. When you're in the air, you have all these thoughts that something will go terribly wrong. The engine will catch fire and you'll be hurled down to a fatal end. Like the plane ride, the relationship has fears that are similar. You step into one not knowing if you're going to crash and burn, having the relationship come a fatal end..

My fear of relationship have me putting everyone in the friend zone. Protecting what's left of me heart. After breakups and cheatings, I've failed to actually fall in love and not think that one day this will all come to where I'm in a fetal position crying about how it all came to an end. As I walk these busy streets of Manhattan. I have my hands in my pockets and my head down.. I look up every now and then to see couples holding on to each other as if they will never let each other go.
I no longer feel sorry for myself because I can't have what they have. I smile and hope that they will find the love that has just proved itself to be impossible for me.

As I crossed Christopher street, I'm looking up at the sky. The weather is great. Not too chilly and not at all hot.. This weather is my favorite. I don't break a sweat no matter how many blocks I've walked at this fast pace. I'm singing to Mr. Jason Mraz and hoping that he has better luck in the "love" department. I sure hope he does.. This also goes for Gavin as I think that most of his girl fans just want to have him ( the Look that he portrays, not him actually) on a platter.. While the winter will hopefully bring them someone to keep them warm, I'll be playing Mother Teresa by feeding the homeless with sandwiches and coffee.. I did this in Florida when I went to Orlando for Christmas and found it very satisfying for my heart.

I'll resume my support of local bands and dip in and out of the pink pussycat to see what I can possibly buy.

Halloween is coming up fast and I have no clue what I’ll be.. I saw a commercial of Halloween costumes for kids.. They now have Pimps & Hoes costumes.. So some pedophiles can actually live out their dreams.. WOW.. Who thought of the Pimps and Hoes costumes for kids? Hmmm!!!??!

Okay, I think this is it for me.. It's been a bit random.. But that's how I am..

Until next time, this is Farrah.

This is what happens when your hero dies

I talk so much about Christopher... I make comparisons to the wonderful job he did as SUPERMAN.. He was a dedicated Actor & Activist.. He will always be my hero.. I make the referral of him when I wrote about Dave Matthews a couple of nights ago.. So, Lastnight I was erasing some songs off of my mp3 player and decided to put some songs with a referral of "Superman" in it... At this time it was around 11pm sunday and as I sift through songs I came across. Five for fighting "superman", Dave Matthews band "Where are you going", Three doors down "Kryptonite", Remy Zero "Save Me" ( even though this has no refference to superman, it is the theme song to smallville which is about a younger superman).. This seems to happen all the time.. When I have this brain storm to do something creative.. So,I loaded these songs to pay homage to a superhero that made me feel secure.. I never would have thought that monday would have had the bad news of Christopher Reeve untimely death.. I remember when something similar happened at 4a.m on 9/11/2001.. I had just moved to Florida and I needed money really badly.. So my uncle told me to meet him in West palm beach to pick up some money.. It was around 1a.m in the morning when I went to meet him.. When I came home it was around 3:30 a.m 9/11/01.. I didn't really feel sleepy so I put in a tape of "Independence day" and started to watch it.. It got to the part where the ship was about to blow up the Empire State Building, that's where I paused it and went to sleep.. When I awoke in the morning; the television was still on but the vcr had shut off by itself.. I said to myself.. "Wait? when did they blow up the Twin Tower in this movie? Is this a deleted scene?".. I was still sleepy. That's when I saw the plane hit the second building... My heart was beating so hard when I looked closely to see that it was the news and not a deleted scene from a movie..

We look up to actors portraying superheroes in awe when we were kids.. We even wanted to be a superhero when we grew up, but the cruel reality is that we bleed, we hurt,we die.. It took me a while to realize that Superman was just an imagination of ones mind.. It took me a lot longer to come to terms that Christopher Reeve was no Superman, but as imperfect as all of us are.. It's like a bad dream that just keeps getting worste as life progresses... You are no longer a child who thinks they can live forever.. Every year you get older, you realize that you're getting closer to being obsolete.. You're not immortal like you thought when you were a child.. Your pain becomes you're reminder and life seems more of a risk..




"SUPERMAN" by Five for Fighting
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

I'm Ranting DAMMIT!!!!!!

Ok, I will act as if I don't notice the lack of update from Blogger.. One of the known issues is this..."Profiles are not updating properly with new posts. We are working on getting this fixed". When It first happened I was like, Okay it's cool.. But it seems that I've been updating this blog since september 24th and nothing,ziltch.. It's October 8th, Two weeks since my profile was actually updated. I'm seeing all these other blogs being updated and mine and some poor sap in some other state are just pissed because it just seems that we are the only people it's affecting..

At first I thought maybe I wasn't publishing enough, But after publishing my ENTIRE Blog (which seemed in itself to be annoying due to the fact that it sometimes times out) a Bagillion times. Nothing... THis sucks. You really can't tell I've updating my blog unless you are possessed to read past my profile.. Hopefully this issue will be fixed before the end of this month.. I mean gawd dammit man.. I see all these other blogs being updated... Fix this fucking shit already....

~DMB~

So lastnight as I nestled into my bed all wrapped in blankets, I had this thought.. Could I be worthy enough to hold a conversation with "The" Dave Matthews? As his music played me to sleep, I dream about days to come.. I would think he would be talking to me and all I can say is.. Wow!! As I'd be a starstrucked fool.. Would I be able to get out what I truly wanted to say to him?

"Dave, please tell me about yourself. Something that I haven't read in the magazines". I would pause to hear his answer and laugh at his response if it was funny.. I would pay close attention.. I mean I am speaking to my musical hero.. We would exchange words on our political views and I would ask him how he comes up with his songs and If he could rub some of that talent off on me.. He would laugh... Was he laughing at the fact that I asked him how he comes up with the music? Or is he laughing at the impossibilities of rubbing off his talents on me?.. Shit, I'll go along with him, humor him and laugh along.. I mean, I didn't mean it as a joke Dave.. Seriously, can you rub some of your talent on me?

It would be an honor to talk with him. To share a cigarette and visualize life from where he's standing.. I would hope that I would be comfortable enough to get as far as performing with him.. To share the stage with this entity.. It would be a musical masturbation. My hero comes onto the stage spitting forth linguistics so natural. I would miss my cue due to the hypnotizing music. Or would it be his smile? The death of me..
(He sings "I am no Superman,I have no answers for you.
I am no hero, That's for sure. But I do know one
thing is where you are, is where I belong")

( I look at him as a future mentor, to look at him
as if he's a superhero of Lyrics. I know that he
can not stop a speeding bullet nor leap to the
highest roof tops.. Yet, to me he will be
a Superhero of music)

When I was a little girl, my hero was Superman. You know the guy.. Blue tights and a red cape.. Then the 90s came. The 90s blew this music of folkiejazzyrock into my ear changing my musical hearing forever. It was mostly thanks to DMB. I still had my Superman, but now he was in musical form. He was a musical superhero.. As you can tell... For every year they are here... The musical power grows stronger, the followers grows larger. And lives that has never been touched by musical notes are forced to sway in unison. The once shy voices would rise in crescendo. It would be the greatest,safest sex ever known.. In the end you leave a DMB concert feeling the urge to smoke a long cigarette. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Brr!!

It's cold out!!! And you know what? I'm loving every bit of it.. It seems to be the only time I don't sweat like a crazy ass.. I always seem to have good hair days and my skin looks clearer when the weather dips below 60.. I found a grey strand protruding from the right side of my head a couple of months ago and almost freaked... WHAT THE HELL? Even though I was told not to pluck the bastard.. I went ahead and plucked it like it was stray hair from my brow..

Look, I'm not vain. I just don't think that you need to boast greys at such (ahem) an early age.. When my brother started sprouting greys at the age of 23, I had enough jokes then.. I wonder what causes you to prematurely have greys.. Is It the stresses of the life you lead? When one of my oldest sisters get stressed, she loses weight like mad.. I asked god why... Why god?!! Why do you give me the stressed out grey and her the great weightloss stress?!! why god, why? He replied.. "you take what you get".. I won't argue with him.. If he see it fit to give me these then it's fine.. Happy plucking...

Orlando Bloom & Kate whatever are getting married? Holy Crip!!!

All I can say is.. DAYUM!!!!! Some, if not all the teenie boppers and their moms are going to hit the roof..Twat The fuck is going on? U.K news has confirmed that Orlando bloom and Kate ( I can't remember the name even though I just looked through the article) will finally walk down the isle next year.. Not once but twice... (aww how nice.. I kinda threw up in my mouth a bit just now) One will take place in Cali, where she is from and the other will take place in England where he is from.

I was wondering when this would happen and now it's finally here.. I will have to close my windows to shut out all the cries that will occur simultaneously by the poor poor poor teenie boppers. Hearts will break, some will even attempt to commit suicide.DON'T DO IT!!! Besides, if a guy has to walk around and dance it up with all the girls to prove he isn't gay.. Then don't bother.. George Michael did the same thing and look who he prefers these days..

I'm glad I'm not affected by this news.. The last time my heart was broken by a celebrity it was Dave matthews.. How could he marry without trying me first? LOL... Wait, oh yeah there is also Chester Bennington.. Yeah!!! My heart broked-ed when I found out he was married..

If I hear that Jason Mraz got married again? That's it.. I'll move on to ***GULP*** Drummers... But not before trying the bass players.. Can you say YUMMY?!?!

What Jason Song are You!!??

I couldn't resist this. It's Jason Dammit!!!

What Jason Mraz Song are you?
Name
DOB
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Your Jason Mraz Song is	curbside prophet
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Look who's holding the Mentos!!!

THAT's RIGHT!!!!

5:02 pm

I just sat down from cleaning.. Taking a break I should say.. I got through the dining room and the living room... I had to mop wood floors... That's the hardest thing to do.. When I agreed to help my best friend clean, I never gave it a second thought.. I would rather clean on such a gloomy day..

It's a little after 5 in the p.m and as I'm sitting here I realized that I haven't eaten anything all day.. The funny thing is.. I'm not hungry.. I guess that part of my brain doesn't feel that I need to eat just yet.. So I'll go on with my Diet Coke with Lime until my brain tells me that It's time to feed.

I finally finished my song which is titled "Groupie" at 4a.m in the morning.. Though I may not have the chords and Notes to go with it. ( That's why I'm so determind to learn the guitar).

So, I'm laying in bed and an opening to another song popped into my cranium.. While jotting down the words, I realized that it went well with groupie.. I sang my song from the begining and found the best place to put it..
As I closed my book I realized I've accomplished something in the early a.m. I no longer felt sleepy.. I laid awake singing it repeatedly in my head and Imagining the reactions of whom ever will listen.. The reason for this song is to let all the girls/guys out there knows that it's okay to be a groupie, even if others give you shit.. Hopefully soon I will lay down the tracks and give you guys a listen.

Public service announcement!!!

Why are we so concerned with this poor girls life? If you don't know of who i'm speaking of .. Well.. Isn't it obvious? It's Britney Spears..

So the girl goes out and gets married to a what we all can tell is a complete LOOZZEEEEERRRRRR!!!! So fucking what !? Who are we to judge? We have all been with a guy who turns out to be one of those..

Like any other person, she is similar. She did not fall from the sky. She's still young, still human and still trying to shed an image that was giving to her by.. Well, You!!! The people who call themselves FANS!!!

So what if the marriage wasn't real?
So what if she's Pregnant (I'm not confirming or denying that)
Leave the girl alone to make her own mistakes..


Get some fresh-air people.. Be a bit more productive!!!!

Thanks

This has been a public service announcement from Farrah Phoenix

I'm Bouncing off the walls again!! Whoa!!

I've been much into my music these days..Trying to finish songs that have been neglected by my lack of remembrance.. I've seen so many musical performances these past couple of months and I have to say that each and every one of them Motivated me to try harder and do better, for I too would like to motivate others..

I haven't figured out which direction my music will take but I know that I would definately enjoy the ride it will produce.. At 26 , I figure it's the best time to do something like this.. I've grown up a lot since my attempt when I was 16. The songs that would have made me popular in those days would have made me an R&B hasbeen these days.. Even though I still have the Rythem & Blues in me, I have adopted the Folk, Jazz, Punk, Rock, Funk and everything else that makes music come together.

There is something great that happens when you have writers block. You sit in a crowded room listening to various artists and most but not all of them becomes your muse.. Their presence becomes more like poetry and you find yourself expressing this through music written down on paper. I've been living in a place where almost everything becomes your inspiration for a song.. From the summer time crushes to your best friend(s) broken heart..

2004 will be a distant memory very soon.. At the end of this year I will be 27, an age that will instill in my mind that I'm long past being here a quarter of a century.. In Five for fighting song kindly titled '100 years', it starts at age 15 and ends at 99. Where your life experiences becomes just page turners in the mind. Life goes by quickly, more quickly with each year you're here.. No one is guaranteed a reincarnation the next time around, so we better start making something out of this one..

So, I'll leave you with this.. When you're sitting in your cubicle yearning to break free.. Do it!!!.. If you starve a little, but realize you're happy while going your own way.. Live it!!!.. If a job that used to slowly make you want to shoot yourself becomes a rapid everyday thought... QUit IT!!!!!! Go make your life worth living..