Past Relationships are so hard to do
I spoke to the ex.. What is it that makes you think that life for the other person just wouldn't be complete without you in it? As if they were alone before you popped into their lives. I've made the mistake a couple of times to try a second time around with a failed relationship, just to find out that this person was all wrong for me. Or I was wrong for him.. In our minds we feel that we are probably the best thing that has ever happened to the other person.. Subconteously, we know that we are not perfect and that they have or will soon in the future find the right person for them. The right person just isn't us..
Why do we try to show off our "newer selves" to the ex.. As if we are saying "Look, this is the new and improved me, do you want me back"? .... It's useless.. Honestly.
I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. No one will love you the way you specifically want them to.. You contour your life to fit others and in the end all you want them to see is the real you. At that point they don't know who the real you are and it just goes downhill.. The realistic part of me just wants to meet a guy and in the same day, start a relationship, skip right to the breakup and then go right into the uncomfortable-ness of being friends. A new relationship is like a plane ride. If you have a fear of heights then you know what I'm talking about.. You board the plane like you board a relationship.. You get on praying that it doesn't crash and burn. When you're in the air, you have all these thoughts that something will go terribly wrong. The engine will catch fire and you'll be hurled down to a fatal end. Like the plane ride, the relationship has fears that are similar. You step into one not knowing if you're going to crash and burn, having the relationship come a fatal end..
My fear of relationship have me putting everyone in the friend zone. Protecting what's left of me heart. After breakups and cheatings, I've failed to actually fall in love and not think that one day this will all come to where I'm in a fetal position crying about how it all came to an end. As I walk these busy streets of Manhattan. I have my hands in my pockets and my head down.. I look up every now and then to see couples holding on to each other as if they will never let each other go.
I no longer feel sorry for myself because I can't have what they have. I smile and hope that they will find the love that has just proved itself to be impossible for me.
As I crossed Christopher street, I'm looking up at the sky. The weather is great. Not too chilly and not at all hot.. This weather is my favorite. I don't break a sweat no matter how many blocks I've walked at this fast pace. I'm singing to Mr. Jason Mraz and hoping that he has better luck in the "love" department. I sure hope he does.. This also goes for Gavin as I think that most of his girl fans just want to have him ( the Look that he portrays, not him actually) on a platter.. While the winter will hopefully bring them someone to keep them warm, I'll be playing Mother Teresa by feeding the homeless with sandwiches and coffee.. I did this in Florida when I went to Orlando for Christmas and found it very satisfying for my heart.
I'll resume my support of local bands and dip in and out of the pink pussycat to see what I can possibly buy.
Halloween is coming up fast and I have no clue what I’ll be.. I saw a commercial of Halloween costumes for kids.. They now have Pimps & Hoes costumes.. So some pedophiles can actually live out their dreams.. WOW.. Who thought of the Pimps and Hoes costumes for kids? Hmmm!!!??!
Okay, I think this is it for me.. It's been a bit random.. But that's how I am..
Until next time, this is Farrah.
Why do we try to show off our "newer selves" to the ex.. As if we are saying "Look, this is the new and improved me, do you want me back"? .... It's useless.. Honestly.
I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. No one will love you the way you specifically want them to.. You contour your life to fit others and in the end all you want them to see is the real you. At that point they don't know who the real you are and it just goes downhill.. The realistic part of me just wants to meet a guy and in the same day, start a relationship, skip right to the breakup and then go right into the uncomfortable-ness of being friends. A new relationship is like a plane ride. If you have a fear of heights then you know what I'm talking about.. You board the plane like you board a relationship.. You get on praying that it doesn't crash and burn. When you're in the air, you have all these thoughts that something will go terribly wrong. The engine will catch fire and you'll be hurled down to a fatal end. Like the plane ride, the relationship has fears that are similar. You step into one not knowing if you're going to crash and burn, having the relationship come a fatal end..
My fear of relationship have me putting everyone in the friend zone. Protecting what's left of me heart. After breakups and cheatings, I've failed to actually fall in love and not think that one day this will all come to where I'm in a fetal position crying about how it all came to an end. As I walk these busy streets of Manhattan. I have my hands in my pockets and my head down.. I look up every now and then to see couples holding on to each other as if they will never let each other go.
I no longer feel sorry for myself because I can't have what they have. I smile and hope that they will find the love that has just proved itself to be impossible for me.
As I crossed Christopher street, I'm looking up at the sky. The weather is great. Not too chilly and not at all hot.. This weather is my favorite. I don't break a sweat no matter how many blocks I've walked at this fast pace. I'm singing to Mr. Jason Mraz and hoping that he has better luck in the "love" department. I sure hope he does.. This also goes for Gavin as I think that most of his girl fans just want to have him ( the Look that he portrays, not him actually) on a platter.. While the winter will hopefully bring them someone to keep them warm, I'll be playing Mother Teresa by feeding the homeless with sandwiches and coffee.. I did this in Florida when I went to Orlando for Christmas and found it very satisfying for my heart.
I'll resume my support of local bands and dip in and out of the pink pussycat to see what I can possibly buy.
Halloween is coming up fast and I have no clue what I’ll be.. I saw a commercial of Halloween costumes for kids.. They now have Pimps & Hoes costumes.. So some pedophiles can actually live out their dreams.. WOW.. Who thought of the Pimps and Hoes costumes for kids? Hmmm!!!??!
Okay, I think this is it for me.. It's been a bit random.. But that's how I am..
Until next time, this is Farrah.
posted by Farrah Phoenix at Wednesday, October 13, 2004
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