Family Destruction

Saturday November 27th 2004

So two days before I turn the BIG 27. My cell rings to the tune of Jason Mraz singing “You and I Both” the polka version. I let it ring for a few more seconds to dance to the tune.

I picked up. It was my older sister. Apparently she’s been trying to get in touch with me since the night before. So she started to ramble on about if anything should happen to her, meaning if she’s unable to speak, I should know why she has come to be that way.

At this point I was like, “what? What happened?” She received news from a reliable source that said her mother, (mine as well) is planning on throwing boiling hot water on her in order for my sister to move out. The source I speak of is my oldest sister Ann Marie who has been talking with my mother in desperation to cease and desist any wrong and ill thinking. Ann Marie lives in Canada with her two over active kids. She’s a single mom on medication for severe depression. Like me, she feels helpless in this situation.

We have all come to the conclusion that our mother was pretty crazy since we were kids. When I was 12, she had threatened to throw her three daughters out of the 6th floor apartment window. She went on to say that the best feeling would be hearing us splatter on the pavement below. WOW!! Tell me how you really feel mom.

What could make a parent think such things? Someone on the outside world would think that these kids she speaks so terribly of are terrors. We were far from it.

As a child, my sister Colleen, Emily and I were unlike the majority. We stayed indoors because our mom threatened us about venturing out the apartment. Her words, “I will kill you if you leave this house”. As a child listening to these words flowing effortlessly from her mouth, I believed her.

I couldn’t participate in school activities because it would have clashed with my curfew of 3:10 pm. We sat in this apartment, afraid to laugh, afraid to smile and afraid to move about freely. She went as far as to cut the cord to the television. She even upped it one by changing the cordless phone to a rotary, which she later put a lock on so we couldn’t use.

We were afraid of this woman, afraid to call her mom, afraid to touch her. We never disobeyed her in any way. We not even once had any ill thoughts of hurting her. She had us so struck with terror that I was even afraid to eat. I had this weird notion that the food was laced with poison. Who could have blamed me?

To hear what my mother had said in referenced to my sister, I couldn’t and wouldn’t put it pass her. It’s true, not all parents love the ones they’ve created. More like us (Ones whose parents seem to shun and dismiss with the drop of a dime) are coming forward.

When a child says “Mom, I love you” to only be answered by the mom saying, “yeah right”, it’s hard to understand why persons, who think with such hatred, are given the benefits of having children.

Because of this woman I call mom, I left home early in my teens. I adopted my friends and their families as my own. I seek out motherly advice from the elderly, and the only time I actually received an “I love you” hug, was from my recently deceased dog Sarge.

I can’t run away from who shares my blood. I can’t turn away and resume being someone I’m not. They are the ones whom I share my last name. I can try to deal. I “can” continue to be calm and collected in a personal society built on shame, anger and hatred. I seek an immediate family in the friendships I’ve made. Wanting to hear “I love you” from my mother is now something I know that I will never hear or feel. “Could this possibly be real?” I’ve asked myself over and over, and every morning when I rise, I pinch myself to see if it is. Ouch!!

So, with tears in my eyes, I told my sister to be careful. Try to get out of there for the sake of her 15 year old son and herself. Be strong even though the walls around you keep getting smaller and smaller. At the time, I couldn’t be there with her physically, but mentally I was trying my best to send some kind of signal to my mother to stop her hatred way of thinking.

My sister, though married, has yet to actually live a married life. For the past four years they’ve lived apart. Both of them trying to save enough money to live a dream. The truth is, they’ll never have enough money. The hurtful truth is that I think it’s an excuse made by a man who doesn’t want to be married. Either way, the outcome seems bleak for the pair. He’s renting a room in New Jersey and she’s living at home with mom. Who can see the light at the end of that tunnel?

In closing, when I was eleven, I awoke and went to the kitchen. My mother turned to look at me. There was no hello. She asked me if I had worn my new bra to bed. I replied yes. Before I could explain my insecurities, my head went crashing into the concrete wall. She has used a heavy frying pan to hit my head. My head left a crack in the wall that went up to the ceiling

Masturbation Vs. Procrastination

Masturbation: Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.

Procrastination: To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.



I’ve been fighting with myself whether to write this or not. It’s not like women wear a sign on their head saying that they Masturbate. Sometimes we even go as far as saying that we’ve never done the “M” word.

I’ve always been a sexual person. I would take a lover and after a month of getting past the “getting to know you stage”, we would spend the rest of the relationship getting to know each others wildest and most deepest sexual secrets. It’s bliss, it’s factual, it was poison but the kind of poison that left you wanting more. A good lover would have me thinking of them for days on end without eating or sleeping. “HE” was like a drug. I would sit in my car and think of all the sexual things we would do. Sexual not just meaning physically, but mentally as well. He played with my mind, leaving me little messages on my phone. I found myself in traffic one evening. He left a message on my cell. While listening to his voice, my hand reached into my skirt. As I had realized what I was doing, I pulled my hand away saying to myself. “what are you doing? There’s no need for that”.

He was at home waiting for me to come bursting through the door. I was addicted to him, his smell, his smile, his laugh and the way he strummed his acoustic guitar. He was my food. When he came to me, he made me full, and when he left. He made me starve. Like in all relationships, painful but true. You are left either wanting more or having enough of that one flavor. I was left wanting that flavor.

I sought out others like him through out the years. Wanting to have that same feeling again. In between that time I became familiar with myself. Allowing myself to come to climaxes with the flick of a finger. It was enjoyable, it was safe. One night, I decided to meet with a few friends. As the night progressed, the conversation turned to sex. The topic of Masturbation was in full force. As I talked about how it felt and how most of the time, it just isn’t the same as having a man. One voice interjected. She went on about how it’s a sin to touch yourself. She made a fowl remark, “ If you masturbate, your hand should fall off”. Whoa! What a crazy woman. I turned to her and said that I’ve been doing this for years and my hands seems great. No signs of deterioration at all ( I waved my hand back and forth in front of her to let her see that it was A okay).

Driving home, I kept on thinking about what she had said. Could it really be a sin? I remember when parents told their kids things like that because they just didn’t want them to “spank the monkey” or “twiddle the fiddle”. She felt so strong about what she was saying. It took me a while to shake off her remark. I finally ruled her as a Procrastinator. What does she do when she can’t get any? Read? Come on.

So it’s been a couple of years since I’ve had a real lover. You know the ones where you feel comfortable calling them you’re other half, soul mate, boyfriend?. After my last one, I told myself that I would wait until I found the right guy. No jumping to sex. My reason. It became less fun and more of a chore. He was enjoying himself and I was left in the dark. I mean, where was the mental love making. Where was the quirky conversations between songs? I needed time away from the “ Lets keep the relationship alive with just sex”. So, I’ve had a full time relationship with Mr. Masturbation for the past two years and even though it’s not as satisfying as my old lover from way back when, it gets the job done.

Throughout the years, I’ve met many others who’ve shared their views on masturbation. I’ve also debated with the procrastinators who’ve said they don’t do such things, but get them behind closed doors and you will find a different person within those four walls. Hmm

The last lover I had, loved to watch as I masturbated. I guess some if not all guys love to see when a woman does it. He got excited as I climaxed. When I has asked him to do the same, he became nervous and said that he couldn’t. Why was that? I wanted to see him do it. It would have gotten me excited but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. I guess it dates back to the times when parents told their kids that if they do such things, their penis would fall off. Huh.

In the end. Whether you speak of Masturbation freely, or try to convince others that it’s wrong. The truth is that everyone does it. Whether they choose to admit it, or not.

Starland Ballroom 8.24.04 #3

The Starland Ballroom
Sayreville, NJ
Tue August 24th 2004




So, who performed at the Starland Ballroom? Hmm, let’s see. Gavin Degraw, Toby Lightman and Marc Broussard. First off, how I came to actually be at the concert was that my sister called not long after the VH1 inside track and told me that she had purchased tickets over the net for us. I was happy and glee.. Sigh.. So I hopped on the train and headed to her house in Brooklyn. Not long after I had arrived, Steven and his wife came driving up and were ready to go. None of us had any idea where the hell Sayreville was. So we got lost on the way . Twice. One time, we had actually drove right by it. So we got there and headed to the back of the line. At this time, Joey and Gavin Degraw had stepped out of their tour bus. They decided to warm up for the show by throwing the football. I saw my opportunity to scream out Joeys name. I caught his attention and he waved and smiled and then went back to throwing the ball. So , Steven, Emily, Adwina and I started talking among ourselves until the line started to move.

There was no open bar here. The prices for drinks were high, but you could smoke indoors, which I thought was a big plus. The show started with me at the bar drinking a red bull. Who was this guy? I kept on saying to myself.. Marc Broussard had a burst of energy and a flare like Jason Mraz. What sound came out of his mouth, was a different story.. It was like a BIG BOOM. His voice was as if the greats of past blues singers had came back to life and had stepped into him. He was amazing. He had took my heart away with his voice. I fell in love with the man with a voice. As he stood on stage with his guitar strumming away, I was taken aback by his presence. He became one with the mic. As all the girls swayed to his raspy and soothing voice, I scattered myself all over the room trying to get pictures from every angle. He wasn’t the only one who caught my eye. For the past year, I have decided to pick up a guitar and learn everything that I can to accompany my music. I figured if I know how to play this beautiful instrument, I can one day pick up a Bass and strum to my hearts desire.

I looked to Marcs left and saw him. He looked like an angel strumming away on his Bass. His name was Calvin. Oh my Calvin, how do you keep up your momentum. With every strum of his Bass, he had hit a chord with me. For five minutes I stood there looking at his fingers, trying to process what chords and notes were being played. He was hotness with a Bass in toe. I looked over to my sister who I don’t think was really feeling the music. Ah well, you can’t make everyone a fan. YOU KNOW..SHIIIIT.

As Marc exited the stage. I found myself wanting more.. I was hooked within one set. There were two girls who were standing in front of us in the line before we had came in to the ballroom. These two girls became my drunken angels. One of them came up to me and said that Marc was by the merchandise area. I turned to look at her and the first thing that came out of my mouth was.. “Take me to him”. When I walked up to him, I looked him up and down and asked him. “Where the heck did that voice come from?” . He looked at me and smiled so bright that if there were any clouds in my life, it was lifted with his smile. We talked for a minute before a swarm of people came over to him. At this point I took the opportunity to ask if he wouldn’t mind taking a photo with me.. “Sure darling” he said with his deep southern accent. I was captivated by his smile, his voice and his smell ( he was smelling oh so gorgeous).

So, It was Toby’s turn to rip up the stage. She had one the cutest outfit and an awesome hat that I wanted to take from her. LOL. It was as if she was hiding underneath it. She strummed her guitar and sang out loud. You could tell that at some point, It was just her in an empty room. Though she was nervous, she pulled off a great show and I have to admit to envying her touring with Gavin and Marc. What else could make me envy her more? Hmm lets see.. That would be Gavin, John Mayer, Marc Broussard, DMB, Dashboard Confessional, Jason Mraz and Ben Harper. All in all, she owned the stage with her presence and sweet voice. I give her mucho props to her for singing the hell out of the Mary J. Blige song “ Real Love”. Go girl.

So, the moment that most if not all the folks in the room have been waiting for.. It was Gavin time. They turned out all the lights so Gavin and his crew can make their way to the stage. The crowd went wild, when the spotlight turned to show Gavin’s face. What presence he had. He sat down by his Piano and when he started to play, he realized that no sound was coming from it. So, he winged it. I snapped away with my camera as he pleased the crowd with his show stopping moves. He did one of my favorite Gavin songs “ Few drinks to fall in love”. No, it’s not on his CD, but I thought it should have been.. I’ve been there before a hundred times where I’m in a bar drinking and smoking way too much, when some dude from out of left field decides to prey on me. All I want to do is ask them to move away, but they’re pretty much the only one around. In fear of being alone drinking, I order up a round hoping the drink my troubles away with this guy looking at me as if the opportunity came up to go to Vegas and get married, he would’ve rented and jet plane right then and there.

So, Gavin stood up and asked the audience to quiet down for a bit so he could sing a cappella. Whoa!!! He sang Sam Cooke’s “ A change is gonna come”. You know that no one can sing that song like Sam Cooke, but Gavin hooked it up so well that even the old skoolers would have been proud. Naturally, when the concert ended, I headed out the side door.. There was no way that I was going to get involved with all those screaming girls with their hot pink belly shirts.. Ewww… Hey, I already know I’m a woman, I don’t have to wear pink every fucking time to get the opposite sex to notice me. I have big boobs for that one. LOL.. Anyway..

It was late when I arrived home. As I looked through my photos to recap the nights events, I looked at the photo of Marc and I. What a face, what a talent. I got excited just thinking about how it would be when I finally get my music up and running.. Hopefully I can perform with him.

Oh, about the photo of Marc and I. It was my desktop photo for almost two months.

VH1 Inside Track 2004

August 16th 2004.. Roseland Ballroom for the VH1 Inside Track Concert.#2
Maroon 5, Joss Stone, Jamie Cullum and Keane

Who was there? Farrah (me), Emily (my sister) and Jimmy (Friend and Vh1 graphic designer). How could I possibly pass up a free concert that consisted of Maroon 5, Jamie Cullum, Joss stone and Keane. Holy donkey punches.. Not only was it free, It was Open Bar baby!!! Yeah. Drinks all around.. The concert was awesome. Maroon 5 did there thing, and even though Jamie Cullum did his thing, I was a bit thrown by how short he was. I have to say that he resembles a hobbit.

For a small person, he sure has a big voice. He almost had me doing the running man when he broke out and started singing “Fronting” by N.E.R.D. I was like, WTF?. But it was all good. He hooked it up Jamie style.

Whoa! I got to see my crush up close and personal. Tom Chaplin from Keane. He has the sweetest face ever. He looks like he’s still a kid, and that voice.. Good Cucamonga that boy can sing. I felt my heart melt with each note he sang. No Guitar picking for these guys. They do it , Piano and drums style. I was going crazy singing and shit.. I never did that at concerts before. I’m usually composed, except for that one Dave Matthews Band concert that I took off my shirt.. Don’t ask.. .. Okay okay I was high.. Keane really did a great job. I was in awe the whole time.

So, there was a brief intermission where jimmy, my sister and I took a seat and decided to relax a bit. We must have been horse shitting around for about 10 minutes when Joss Stone came walking by with her crew. She’s a pretty young woman, but looking at her, I thought she was much older than me. She gave us a glimpse as if she was a little nervous and then made her way to the stage. The thing about real talent is having the ability to sound as strong as the record. I found her voice prematurely sultry. She is still a young woman , and thinking that her voice will only get stronger as she ages. WOW.

She was on stage doing her thing when I noticed the brightest face coming towards me. How could I pass this up. I had to say something. So I tugged on his arm and asked him if he was Gavin Degraw. That was a big 10*4. He gave the biggest smile that lit up the whole room. I was talking to him when jimmy thought it would be great to take a picture with his cell.. Crap.. There was no flash, so he couldn’t get a photo.. No worries, the way how Gavin politely hugged me will stay in my mind for a very long time. He spoke to me as if he knew me. He was so polite, you could tell that his mother had taught him well. Boy, the girl who gets him will be by far the luckiest person. Gavin wasn’t performing that night, he was there like all of us just taking in the music. I made my way over the bar where they were about to close up shop. Gavin was there with his assistant and his brother Joey. I was introduced to Joey by my sister Emily. He was really cool from what I could tell. My sister and Joey looked as though they were in deep conversation so I didn’t bother them. I turned to look back at Joss Stones performance and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gavin doing the booty dance. Once again, he caught my attention. He’s got an ass. I mean a real ass. So real that he made my heart skip a beat when he did that move. Sigh.. WOW..

When we were about to leave, Joey walked with us out of the building. Emily and Joey were still in conversation, jimmy and I were acting like damn fools as usual. Before we said our goodbyes, Joey told us about a concert that Gavin will be performing at. I had my doubts about going because I had no money to buy a ticket, but I had a surprise for me a couple of days later from my sister about the Gavin concert. WOOT..

JASON MRAZ

Live Shows of 2004 #1
The Beacon Theater



It was my first concert of the year. I went to see my favorite performer, well next to Dave Matthews Band who tops my list . Jason Mraz was finally coming back to NYC. After being one of the first in line to get tickets in April, I found myself on May 24th standing outside of the Beacon Theater with a huge box of non-perishable goods ( It was also a food drive). My sister, whom I thought would have made it on time, came a whopping 20 minutes late. By then, the opening act Makana was performing. He had a great voice but he didn’t really catch my attention. It wasn’t long before he exited the stage. Who came next made my heart skip a beat. As Jason lead this man onstage, I wondered who he was. His name was Raul Midon, and holy crip crap does this guy have UBER talent. He’s a one man band, honestly, he’s not one of those corny people with a drum strapped to his front and a piano strapped to his back. He’s god when it comes to the guitar. He blew me away. I got so emotional listening to him. Let me tell you why you should give this guy a listen. He puts so many guitarists to shame that It’s just scary. He lost his sight as a baby when he was placed in an incubator with high oxygen levels after being born prematurely. As I sat there hypnotized by his soul rocking voice, I closed my eyes and Raul seemed as though he was surrounded by a full band. The way he played the guitar, there were so many different sounds that came from that one instrument. I heard Drums, I heard Bass, I heard an Electric Guitar being picked and an Acoustic Guitar being strummed. How he made that possible, only he knew. I fell in love with the music and his strength to persevere in a world that counts on looking before hearing. When he finished his last set, I gave him a standing ovation, and so did the rest of the theater. He was magnificent.

A slight intermission had came before Jason appeared on stage. Since I was so close to the stage, I smelled the beautiful aroma of Marijuana. Those heffers were smoking the good shit back stage, and they didn’t even offer a negro any. The nerve of some people.. I always share the love when I’m smoking. Ah well, I didn’t really expect them to offer.

Jason’s voice sent shivers up & down my spine. I’ve actually had an orgasm just listening to him. It’s true. His voice is like sex.. Great sex that can only come by loving music too much. As he sang, It was as if he was taking me on a journey away from my chaotic life. His words wiped the tears from my eyes and lifted some of the fears that had plagued me since 2003. The new songs he performed reassured me that his talent will go on for years and years to come. He was the energy I needed, the voice I needed to hear at that very moment when the world didn’t seem to want me in it. Without him knowing me, he took me in with his words, held me with his music and had showed me that it was possible for me to follow my dreams. This guy from Mechanicsville VA, became one of the very few with pure talent, whose voice stole my heart, and took it for a ride. One song in particular had hit close to home. It’s called “Absolutely Zero”. The break up of my X and I, had left me feeling jilted. We both were too young to carry such a big relationship. We started out as friends, only to one day cross the line where friends stopped and became lovers. Only one of us knew the consequences but were too afraid to voice the opinion. We lived together for a over a year and even though the signs were there, I chose not to acknowledge them. He hid me from his family, as if he were ashamed of me. I was good enough for him behind closed doors, but I was not the right color for him to show affection to in the open. No matter what I did, he couldn’t bring himself to show me to the world. I became a secret, trapped within a box, inside his heart. By the time I had the courage to see that he selfishly took my love without showing any in return, It was too late. We were strangers locked in an apartment, we no longer shared words, he no longer held me, and he couldn’t look me in the eyes. I was no longer his comic relief when he felt down. One night it became apparent that he no longer held me because he had someone else to hold. Unlike me, he showed her affection in public, said sweet nothings in her ear and introduced her to his family. I took my leave from Florida and boarded a plane back home to NYC.

On the plane ride home, I couldn’t cry. I did a lot of thinking though. I blamed myself for this relationship. I invited him into my heart with the expectations of getting back the affection that I gave. Deep down inside I knew the consequences of this. Why did I kiss him that night that took us from friends to lovers. I don’t know. I was looking for something that he couldn’t give me. Love. In the end I couldn’t blame him for the events that happened. Though I would love to turn back time to stop that life altering kiss, I can’t. I move forward, back to NYC with a clean slate. So there I was, sitting in row CC seat 3 at the Beacon, listening to Jason sing a song that I knew all too well. It was a walk down memory lane and it was hard to keep my emotions at bay, but I did.

I left the concert feeling as if Jason gave a piece of himself to everyone that attended. I felt privileged to have been there. I hope that sometime in the future, I can thank him for helping me.

Fucking Lip-Synching .. Sucks right?

"Given that it's been blown wide open that Ashlee Simpson lip-synchs, a New York group is offering her fans the chance to try what they feel is "real" music.

HOPE, or Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment, is giving people who bought Simpson's album the chance to turn it in for what it calls "one of a higher entertainment quality."

Fans who bring the disc to New York's Knitting Factory can trade it in for one by Elvis Costello, The Ramones, X, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, The Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell or Brian Wilson.

The 19-year-old singer was busted for a "Saturday Night Live" lip-synch gone awry, with her manager-father saying that his daughter used the extra help because acid reflux disease had made her voice hoarse.

Joe Simpson added that she's never used the extra help before.

If you're not in New York, you can still get in on the deal by checking out www.HopeInAmerica.com"


What the hell? See, this is what happens when you fail to have real talent.. They are selling these sappy fucks (though catchy tunes)with their in the studio made voices and sassy looks. As if I haven't heard great talent who just can't seem to make it in the industry. I'm left with this bitter taste of "I told you so" in my mouth. I knew it all along. I can't say that she should have stuck to acting, either she needed more training or she simply couldn't pull that off. Who suffers in the end? she does. If I could, I would make it my civil duty to bitch slap everyone in that family with a blue DILDO... Hell Yeah, I said it dag nammit

The weekend of all weekends

The weekend started off pretty well. Unfortunately it didn’t last. My mom tripped out on my sister .. Long story and I find it kind of pointless to explain something that simply can’t be explained ( But I will try ). I think they will both be better off talking to each other instead of speaking “at” each other. It’s sad when Mother and Daughter are at war. It’s even harder to be the median in the situation.

Sooooo.

Older sister calls youngest sister, (whom might I add, have been pretty much stress free for 48 hours and counting) saying that mom has lost her mind. All that runs through my mind was, “what, You just realized that?” . Older sister tells baby sister that mom has stepped to her saying to pack her things and leave. This time, mom was more verbal by saying “Get the Fuck out of my house”.. This time was different. As older sister told baby sister about the situation, it was hard to see it going any other way than it did. The path was paved years ago, when mother and daughter lived in the same house without exchanging words. My sister is married. She’s been married for almost three years. Yet, both her and her husband (who is a great person) live in different places. My sister and her husband both thought it would have been best for her to stay with my mother until they both got their bills situated.

So they have been living in separate places since the day they were married.. I didn’t think it was healthy and neither did everyone else who knew the situation. Though, I could not judge her because I’m not the one to judge.

Monday morning arrived. I popped in to say hello to my mother. She, not knowing that my sister had already told me her side of the story, went on to tell me what had happened. Even though the stories were very similar, both sides depicted the other as being verbally abusive, almost to the point of getting physical. She asked if I already heard the story, I said no. At this point I came to the conclusion that even though you’re older and you’re supposed to be wiser, you can still find yourself in a situation where you feel like a child. Helpless and afraid of the unknown.

Should I also add that my sisters husband called to tell me his side of the story? Oy! What else should I say? He went on to say that my mother had originally addressed him and my sister decided to jump into it. Of course I can understand why she jumped in, she tried to protect him. But he, being a man felt somewhat incompetent. It was already bad that my mother was making him feel like he couldn’t provide for my sister. When she decided to step in, it made him feel less of a man. Of all the times he told her that they should get serious and find a place. My sister wanted to be hard headed and kept on saying that she will move when she’s ready. It’s as if she can’t live without the feeling of being a victim.

It’s hard for me to try and reassure all parties that are involved. I can’t tell them that it will be okay, that would be a lie. I started to be a Therapist to both. My questions where “What are you feeling about the situation?” “How can you make this better?” & “Visualize yourself in the others position”..

For some time now, It has been that way. I’m not a sister or daughter to them. Just a therapist. I’ve put my feelings aside for both and have removed myself from the picture. To hear my mother speak words of hate about her own daughter makes me question why. Why did she have children to begin with? Why was she so selfish to have brought someone in this world whom she can’t love. Because of this, I’ve questioned how much I’m actually worth to her. Should I feel that she will someday look at me as a stranger. Should I duck and run while she still has feelings for me. It’s hard to think that love fades, but it does. It’s even harder to think that a parent to harbor such hate, but it goes to show that nothing is guaranteed. Not even love.


To make matters worse. I found out that the nasty accident that killed two people on the Florida Turnpike, had hit closer to home than I though. My friend Karen, who was the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Was not feeling well on the way home from dropping off someone at the ft. Lauderdale airport. She thought that she would pull over and just try to feel better. She passed out before she could. Her car was going too fast. I’m devastated and can’t seem to show emotion. It just seems surreal. Like life stopped to play a trick on me. Only to find out that it was no trick. It actually did happened.

I love all my friends.. Losing one is like losing a part of myself. Knowing that from now on, the only thing I will have are memories. Things that happen in my everyday life that I once rushed home to tell that person, now lays dormant in a vacant spot in my head. I feel lost.. Each friend means something to me and losing one hurts more than anything. When you’re no longer apart of this world, you can’t overcome a rear case of cancer, you can’t get a “get well card”, you can’t take another step, another bite of your favorite food, another hug, your smile is just a memory, your laugh gets harder to hear as time goes by. The money you’ve made can’t buy your way back even though I would love to see your smile again. I miss her already, I miss her colorful ways ( My colorfulness could not compare to hers).

Karen Barrett-Perryman was the person that if you’ve felt like you’ve failed in some way, she would find a way to make you feel as if you’ve won the greatest medal. She was the mother of two, the sister of many and the back bone of happiness. She never allowed life to swallow her. She comes to mind when I hear the phrase “Take it easy”. You never felt left out when you’re in her presence. Everyone became her family. She left a print in my heart that will never be forgotten.

Halloween 2004 didn’t bring me tricks or treats. If anything, It took a treat ( Karen Barrett) that day when it decided to play a trick.

Vote Today & Be Heard

20,000 loud. I voted today and I felt proud to do so. This was my first time voting and thinking that 2004 would be the year when everyone, Young and Old would rush to the polls to be heard. It was 11a.m when I ventured out to cast my vote.. My anticipation of a long line was easily dismissed as there was no wait at all. I walked in thinking that the gym would be packed with anxious voters, but it wasn’t. There were about 15 voters the least standing in line awaiting their turn.

My heart was pounding. Hearing all the horror stories of voting mishaps made me almost ill. Like waiting to perform on stage, my heart was beating faster as I got closer to the booth. The night before I had asked my mom if she was ready for the big day. Her reply made me disappointed. She said that she forgot to register. I wondered if it was her lack of remembrance or just laziness that came over her. Some may think that since so many others had registered this year, it wouldn’t make a difference if they did. These are the people who wanted to answer the questions in class but were too lazy or afraid to raise their hand. They depended on others to be the bigger person.

I come from a big West Indian family where almost all are American Citizens. American Citizens who aren’t registered to vote. As I walked away from the polls feeling satisfied with the decision I’ve made. I thought about my family. Why is it that I’m the only one who’s registered to vote in my family? My older sister stands by her decision to not be registered because it’s against her religion. As if this couldn’t be more of a retarded decision on her part. Whether you’re religious or not, the future of where you live and pray does get affected by voting. She feels as if she and her congregation is exempt and dislocate from the United States, as if closing her eyes would make everything go away. How can a 35 year old woman with a 15 year old child be so naïve?

I made my decision based on my experiences these past couple of years. How it affected me and what my decision can do to help. I am currently a 20 something who can’t find a job in her field. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs in school loans and I will probably drop dead before I can even see a doctor due to the fact that I have no medical insurance. The future of my Friends and Families all depends on the Nov. 2nd decisions. I want to feel secure that in the next 4 years, my nephew will be not subjected to losing his life in a war based on false answers and vindictive purposes.

These past four years has seen major job loses, countless of U.S. soldiers dieing and the mockery of the person who’s leadership skills have been questioned since the day a recount was ordered. Whether we have questioned president Bush’s real qualifications or John Kerry’s intentions if he should win, most do agree that things haven’t been going right the past four years. Some have been lured into false promises and disappointing outcomes.

The truth is, since day one, each election brought future presidents who have come baring promises that never seemed to happen. I as a voter, only wish that this election will truly bring some most needed comforting for the citizens of this beautiful country, and for the first time, have some desperate questions be answered.

Voting is a big step, all of us who are of age need to weigh the pros and cons of what will happen in 2005.

Vote for a change.

ELECTION TIME

Get Out there and Vote Nov. 2nd ...