My Brain hurts!!!

As a child, I often wondered how I would react if my parents died. Would I cry? Would I whimper? Would I care enough to cry?..

The reason for this, well… my parents weren’t what you called parent material. I have a mother who took pride in her sons and left her three daughters to basically fend for themselves. When times got rough with my dad, she would receive a phone call from my older sister. My sister fearing for her life, while living with my father, cried to my mother over the years. All my mother would say was, just hang in there. But, what could she hang on to? A young girl, not yet a woman who has seen and gone through much more than an elderly woman. The answer she expected was something that she would never hear from my mother.

Years has passed, and even though my sisters and I have came to the conclusion that our mother in actuality would have preferred not knowing us, I was still clinging on to a thin hope that she had feelings for us. That thin hope was squashed when she revealed that “LOVE DOES NOT PLAY A FACTOR WHEN IT COMES TO HER DAUGHTERS”. On any giving day, I would have just shrugged it off as something she would say out of anger, but the look in her eyes had hit me. She was telling the truth. Nothing but the truth, so help me god.

As the day progressed and my eyes had became a pale pink. I had that thought again. Would I really cared if she died tomorrow? With the information I received from her mouth, why should I care. I became a motherless child in a split second. Thoughts of changing my name to not reflect hers flooded my brain. I wanted to disconnect myself from her. At least I still had my dad.

My dad. The joker, the smoker. Part-time parent and full-time musician. He was a educated musician druggie who could concentrate like no other. He’s my father when he’s around. I haven’t seen him over the years, but on Monday I thought about him. “well”, I said to myself. “Well, since I no longer have a mother, at-least I still have a father“. Today he suffered another stroke, his fourth I believe. This one has left him paralyzed on one side of his body. He’s lost his memory and basically doesn’t know who he is. I lost him today.

Now, as I sit here, I’ve realized that I’ve lost both my parents in one week. One, who doesn’t care who I am, and the other who doesn’t know who I am. I’ve become an orphan over the span of three days and I can definitely say that it hurts. My older sister makes it a point to call me everyday now to say that she loves me. I like that. I tell her that I love her and I honestly feel and hear the love in her voice.

I am now feeling anger towards my mother. She left us with our father when we were kids to find herself ‘per say’. She got her hands on us when we were becoming teenagers. At this time, we’ve already grown into ourselves and the need for a mother was no longer there. She thrust herself upon us until our guards were let down, just to let us down in return.

In some ways I would say that It would hurt if she died. But just for a little while.