As if the world itself has Fazed me out. I sit in a crowded room, talking to various people, but I still feel as if no one hears me or even sees me. I've become that dirty dishrag that no one seems to want to touch or throw away. What makes others wake up and tell themselves that Today will be the day they make a difference? I want that. I want that way of thinking. Mind you, I've had those thoughts, those sudden urges to burst into song and dance only to turn my head and see that another person read my thoughts and decided to steal them.
Outside seems sunny and full of life. Even in the winter I couldn't have ever imagined such a beautiful day. But as I stepped out into the world just minutes after watching the sunny day from my window, it became dark and grey with no one but trash lying effortlessly on the ground. Call this one of my low days, or call this one of my many low years. Just when I thought being back here would complete me; it throws a curve ball and sucker punches me in the face.
----Random? Here's what I call random. I love the taste of pepperoni, but today for some depressed reason, the same meat taste like it's been rinsed with dial antibacterial soap.----
I have writers block. I haven't written a song in god knows how long. I hear words in my head and attempt to transfer them on paper, but I always end up with dark thoughts. Not thoughts of causing physical harm to others or myself (god forbid, I might be going through a depressing time, but I'm not that depressed), but merely the thought that one day facing my fears would come true. Here I thought that being an adult would bring merry days and nights with friends, a posh apartment, and windows that never seem to let the cold in.
I thought about what it would take to make me happy. I’m still at a lost. A friend told me a couple days ago. “You need a guy”. I said “I agree, but what would be the point?” Maybe my answer that ended with a question wasn’t the best way to go. She went into this whole thing about the significance of men. As if I didn’t know. That’s when I blurted out “I DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE”. As if I had just shunned the only thing that made us human. She was startled and was taken aback. I couldn’t rephrase it or sugar coat it in any other way. This is how I felt … and I guess … how I still feel. Mind you, I did believe in it when I was in my teens and early 20s. I guess after giving out pieces of my heart so many times and not having it given back, makes me fresh out of having anymore left to give.
Her eyes swelled, as if she was not looking at her close friend, but a stranger. I was no longer my happy jolly self. I had no more inner spirit, and looking into my eyes could not tell any more stories. I was no longer human in her eyes and I guess I also felt that way about myself. Even though I cry like others, I lack the strength to pin point where I went wrong and how to exactly fix it.
For this, I’ve closed myself off (the heart part). I no longer speak of my problems for fear that it would just irritate the ones I tell. I write this Blog every now and then with the intention to remember this feeling when I’m once again happy and able to return to the heartfelt world some people see as “LOVE” “IN LOVE” & Brighter days. This blog, whether you’ve tripped on into it by accident, or was referred to it by a friend as some joke, this is me. No Pricy t-shirts with meaningless quotes or designs (from websites or stores for 29.99 – 150 bucks a pop, because I’m too broke to even by one for $10 as it is!!), just your ordinary girl who on her good days, writes about the love she thinks everyone wants to hear without knowing what it really feels like. Yep, just your ordinary girl who shuns off the “L” word even though deep down inside she would love for a guy to stand outside her door in the pouring rain with roses.
